My daughter - Ember - lost her first tooth today. Not being there to see it, to sneak into her room and give her a gift from the tooth fairy, it is a major depressive trigger for me. She called me to tell me though, which I did enjoy. She seemed so happy about it.

So it's past midnight and I'm still awake. I shouldn't be, I do take sleep meds, but they don't always work. Thankfully, my son is still visiting his grandparents, so he wont be here for about a week longer, so not sleeping only affects my work performance, not my performance as a mom.

I work as a computer repair tech in a retail environment, and I love my job. I work retail hours, so the schedule is harsh, but I do have time for my doctors appointments and my extra activities, so I'm ok with it.

Today was mostly stable, I like days like this, but there isn't much to talk about. I will instead tell you about the past.

In 2002, I was finally given a diagnosis, I think though that I had been having depressive cycles and hypo-manic or mixed episodes for years before that. My diagnosis was wrong, but it was the best the doctor could do with what he had to go on. Major Depressive Disorder. The problem is, anti-depressants in a bi-polar bring on manic episodes.

Then in 2005, I had a manic episode that almost cost me my impending marriage, though later I would have an episode that did, I only can recognize that now, looking back, but I'm glad my life ended up the way it did so far.

In 2007, I had a depressive cycle that lasted about 4 or 5 months, followed by a hypo-manic cycle of about 3 months following the birth of my daughter. This did lead to the end of my marriage, but it also led to the beginning of my relationship with my now husband - John - so I can't really complain.

In 2008, mania caused me to quit a great paying job and left me homeless when the divorce papers were going through, which is why I do not have custody of my daughter.

In 2009, Mania put me back with my ex husband, and led to a lot of bad decisions that I'm still dealing with today. I almost lost my second husband, and I lost friends and even family.

In 2010,my first hospitalization for suicidal ideations gave me a wakeup call. I realized my ex-husband would never understand or support me during my now diagnosed bi-polar, the following high of hypo- mania again pushed me to move out and in with a group of adults who couldn't support themselves, and I cared for them for 4 months before they moved on to suck someone else's pocket dry.

In 2011, I had my first full blown, long term Manic episode of 10 days, I should have been hospitalized but I didn't go. My diagnosis was moved from the previous bipolar II to bipolar I, mixed episode, non-psycotic. Later that year, I was hospitalized again for suicidal ideations and what I think was a hallucination.

Which brings us to this year. I was hospitalized earlier this year for suicidal ideations.

Please note, none of this is meant to be an excuse for my actions, I take full responsibility for them, but looking back I can see the influence on my actions from the disease.

Now my second husband and I are together, living in Texas, and doing well as a couple. We are a middle class military family with a mount of debt thank to my bi-polar, so we live more as a lower class family, though the military does give us nice home to live in.

Tomorrow, or later tonight, I'll tell you about my most recent hospital stay.